Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
