why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
