seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
