apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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