There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
