I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
