im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
