just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
