awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
