You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
