If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
