is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
