is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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