Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
