if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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