Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
