So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
