I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
