Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
