my phone needs a breathalizer
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
