i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
