I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
