is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You are the jesus of drinking
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