I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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