The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
