he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
