half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
