Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
