I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
