I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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