she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
