my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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