Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
