You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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