im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my shit smells like andre
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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