i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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