Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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