Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
