Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Couch. On fire.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
