you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You are the jesus of drinking
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
