Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
