hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm like, not good at living.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
