hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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