flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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