It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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