Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
