Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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