HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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