Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
