at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
